I’M STILL LEARNING
Today I’m 73, tomorrow I will be 74. This morning I lay in bed for a few minutes pondering a dream I’d had the night before. I have analyzed my dreams for over 20 years ever since I began going to a Jungian analyst. The analyst is now 90 and I rarely go any more but I have retained the habit of trying to find the meaning in my dreams if I can remember them which isn’t often nowadays.
In this dream a young man was serving as a counselor for a group of young people. He was especially keen to work with a very pretty young woman. I was acting as a marshal trying very energetically to keep the two of them apart. You may come up with another interpretation but as I considered this dream, I decided that the stern, regimental, judgemental part of me was an aspect of my personality that I could happily shed. What difference did it make to me if the two young people got together? It’s their lives. Why put my energy into attempting to control them? I was probably just jealous, anyway, of their beauty and youth and attraction to one another. It’s time to move on.
Yes, beauty and youth and that sort of attraction is no longer part of my human repertoire. Yet these characteristics been difficult to give up. I think the most attractive elders are those that can give up their youthful qualities gracefully, without a fuss, without complaint or turmoil. But for some of us it’s a huge struggle. We cling to the men and women we used to be. We don’t believe we can be attractive or worthwhile if we lack those qualities. That’s the influence of American society, for sure, which constantly stresses the values of youth and beauty and attractiveness. But it’s our responsibility to gain the strength and equanimity to live without youth, beauty and libido and to still care for others and care for ourselves.
I feel like the learning curve for those past 60 or 70 is far steeper than for any other age group. For one thing, there isn’t the cherry atop the sundae anymore. There isn’t the new job or the new romance or the new house or new baby to look forward to, to work for, to aspire toward. More and more, it’s just ourselves we have to contend with. How do we better deal with our emotions, how do we curb our anger and impatience (that’s a biggie for me) or our envy of others or our passivity; how do we continue to be accessible to those we love in spite of the obstacles which may be large; how do we cope with our physical infirmities without giving in to excessive self-pity (we deserve a little). How do we cope with our perpetually expanding realm of loss — loss of memory, loss of people we care about, loss of stamina? How do we gradually rid ourselves of the least attractive and effective qualities we possess like how I now wish to lose the jealous, controlling aspects of my nature as graphically portrayed in the dream of the previous night.
In other words, how do we continue to live with a sense of humor, courage and a sense of purpose as the days, months and years pass? I am 73 on the cusp of 74 and yet I have so much to learn.
