Being a Mom, doesn’t always make you happy but it makes you more human.
I recently read the review of a book about women rejecting motherhood. And I knew women who decided to have their tubes permanently tied when they were in their twenties, usually against the advice of doctors. I’ve also spoken to many friends who simply chose not to become parents. They had different reasons — some thought they’d be terrible mothers. Some simply wanted freer life-styles. All are legitimate reasons. Part of me envies these women their clear decision-making and, what I see, as their simpler, more straighforward lives.
I can’t brag about my success as a mom. In fact I’m sort of like the current star of Mare of Eastlake, Kate Winslet, who when someone says, “ I know you were a good mom,”, replies: “No, I wasn’t.”
I wasn’t the parent I dreamed of being — patient, mature, easy-going. On the other hand, I have no regrets about becoming a mom. It was difficult — it brought out the worst in me — I could be anxious, controlling and given to fits of anger. But it also brought out also the best in me — I was generous, a fierce advocate for my kids, eager to offer them all sorts of experience from Nature to Culture. Most important, I grew in compassion.
As our hearts expand, we become more human (not just humane but human). I’m not speaking of our hearts swelling with pride when our children are A+ students, win basketball players or perform as lead in the school play. That sort of pride is ephemeral, believe me. Gaining compassion occurs when our children have grave difficulties and big challenges, when they stumble and we have to help them up — often again and again. And again.
They may slump academically or have ugly run-ins on the playground; they may get hauled into the principal’s office or even suspended from school. Later on they may get in difficulty with drugs, alcohol or law enforcement. I can remember being in New York City with my husband — we were all ready to board a flight to Europe for a vacation when we got a call from our son — “I’m in jail”. It wasn’t a big offense, as I recall, but, desperate, my husband and I had to call a family friend to get him released. Oh yes, that’s a parenting quality that must be dumped quickly — pride. Or at least the hubris that sometimes accompanies parenting — especially if you’ve your child is handsome, popular or accomplished — those kids can get in trouble too. Even if you have one child that fits in the ultra-wonderful category then you have probably another who doesn’t — as a therapist friend of mine once said: “You have one child who boosts your ego and another who tests it.”
Occasionally you have to deal with disease or a terrible accident. Whether your child is 4 years old or 24 or 44 you may have turn your life around so you can spend days or weeks or even years next to a hospital bed. I have a 40 + friend, happily re-married for only a year, whose son catapulted over the front of his motorcycle and broke his neck. In an instant, she was compelled to give up her fun free-wheeling lifestyle to become his round-the-clock caretaker. As she explained, no one else would do the job as conscientiously as she — she’s his mom.
Parenting stretches your heart in ways you’d never have imagined possible. My daughter had a bad stutter, was transgender before it become a well-known phenomenon and ultimately suicided. She had been adopted at age 8 so I don’t take responsibility for all the trauma packed into her little frame. And I try not to blame myself for how poorly I responded to her many challenges. On the other hand, I treasure her memory. She had the best sense of humor of any person I’ve ever known. Even with her stutter, she could have done stand-up comedy. And she was by far the boldest member of the family — always choosing the scariest carnival rides that no one else would even attempt. We all gained a lot from knowing her — even a brief 15 years.
Now I’m lucky enough to be a grandmother. And I count my grandson’s younger years when I really got to spend a lot of time with together — as the happiest years in my life. I even wrote a book (I HAVE A GRANDMA WHO….) to celebrate our bond.
There are other perks to grandparenting — you’re usually able to enlarge you scope of attention and caring from your particular grandchildren to all the children of the world. You may be a “grandma” to kids down the block or to children across the globe. I’m guessing grandparents are the some of the most altruistic people on the planet.
So do I look forward to Mother’s Day? Yes! But not necessarily as a day to smugly praise myself for my efforts as a mom. We do make mistakes. And our children’s lives often take tragic trajectories even if we’ve done the very best we could in raising them. But I do feel that as a result of my experiences as a mom, both good and bad, that I’m a far bigger person, a more human human than I would have been otherwise — and that’s a true cause for celebration!
